Singing in the Rain
I absolutely love old films. Even more so if they happen to be musicals. This was the first ‘old’ musical I watched and I immediately fell in love with it. Everyone must know the title song – but there are actually so many other amazing songs that feature, including ‘Good Morning’ and ‘Make ‘Em Laugh’. In my opinion any film that has Gene Kelly in is bound to be a winner and this definitely is!
High Society
So we’ve established that I love old musicals and this is another that is definitely at the top of my favourites list. High society features a star studded cast including Bing Crosby, Frank Sinatra and Louis Armstrong. It shows how amazing jazz music can be while telling the simple story of a guy trying to get the love of his life back. I can watch it over and over again and still find myself smiling the whole way through. The music is also so so incredible with songs like ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ and ‘Well, Did You Evah?’, all of which were written by Cole Porter.
The Holiday
Okay I’m just gonna come out and say it now, Christmas is my absolute favourite time of year. So it should come as no surprise that there is at least one Christmas movie on this list. The Holiday is by far my favourite, it isn’t christmas until I’ve watched this at least once. It is the perfect rom-com to settle down to with a mug of hot chocolate and get into the spirit of christmas.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas
Yes – another Christmas film. This is just a classic and I feel like it needs no justification. Based on the book of the same name by Dr Seuss, featuring Jim Carey and a butt tonne of Christmas cheer it is the absolute best. Plus there is the most adorable dog called Max and I’m a sucker for anything that features a dog.
The Bourne Series
Okay is this cheating? This is technically 4 different films but if I class them as one franchise does that make it okay? Anyway, I love all the Bourne films! I’m a huge fan of Matt Damon, I’ve loved most of everything he’s been in and I think he’s an absolutely fantastic actor, but these films really are my favourite! Filled with a butt load of action and a tiny bit of a love story, its the perfect combo for me. At times the storyline can get a bit complicated and you do have to watch them in order to really understand it but it is so worth it and I would marathon these films everyday without any complaints.
What Happens in Vegas
So, I went through a phase a few years ago where the only movies I would watch were rom-coms. I couldn’t get enough and probably watched near enough every one under the sun but this was the best. I found myself laughing throughout it the first time and honestly, during every viewing after. I have trouble finding movies funny the second time around but this film just tickles me in so many ways that every single time I laugh.
The Nightmare Before Christmas
I watch this film every single halloween without film. Its the perfect transitional film from Halloween to Christmas! The score is amazing and the animation is fantastic. I feel like its often overlooked but it is definitely worth the watch!!
Tangled
Okay, this films features the voice of Zachary Levi as if I wasn’t going to be a big fan! The soundtrack was phenomenal and Zachary Levi is an angel. I love the story and it is so funny, I cannot wait for the TV series to come on! Also Pascal the chameleon is super adorable!
Meet the Robinson’s
This film is so underrated! Its such a great story and the message it sends is amazing! Its funny and has a great soundtrack! (Hello Jamie Cullum!) If you’ve never heard of it, give it a watch, I promise you wont be disappointed.
Anastasia
This is the film I always put on whenever I’m not feeling well. Whether I’m just having an off day or I’m full of cold, this always makes me feel better. I love the story and the animation and the music, everything about it is perfect. If you haven’t seen it, I definitely recommend it, everyone I’ve forced convinced to watch it has ended up enjoying it!
Featured Image – disneyparkwallpapers
10 Things I've Learnt Since Starting Uni.
Independance is a good thing.
So this may well be the first time you’re going to be living on your own. Well, at least in halls with a bunch of strangers. It can be really daunting knowing you’re not going to have your family just downstairs or home cooked meals from your mum, but its also a great thing. You learn so much when you move out, you learn how to really fend for yourself. Its exciting and so much fun and you should really cherish every moment!
Making new friends is hard but you will definitely meet the BEST people.
Making friends was one of the things I was most worried about when I came to uni. And because of these it meant that I spent most of my first year hidden away and not really going out with anyone besides the people in my flat and a few people on my course. Now there’s definitely nothing wrong with that, but I really urge you to try and talk to as many people as you can, whether they are from the same living block as you, someone you met on a night out or just someone on your course. Surrounding yourself with people who are just as nervous and excited as you are makes things seem a little less scary!
The library really is one of the best things you could ask for.
Don’t laugh, I’m being serious! I was allergic to the library during first year except for when I needed to print assignments off. But during second year, I was in there a whole lot more. It’s literally such a great resource thats been built specifically to help you and you should take full advantage of that. I know you might not want to spend your afternoon in the library when everyone else is in the pub but honestly it helps so much. Just remember that towards the end of term it gets super mobbed so I’d suggest either going early in the morning or a little bit later in the afternoon to get a table!
Joining a society is so important.
I joined about 4 different societies during my first year and I didn’t do anything with any of them. When you walk around the Societies fair during Freshers Week, its so easy to be tempted to put your name down for absolutely everything, but try not to. Really think about what you’re interested in and try to find something that will keep you interested all year. I loved writing so during my second year I joined an online student blog and absolutely loved it and found some of my best friends there. I also joined the student-run campus magazine, ‘The Demon’ and despite having never met a more rowdy and mad bunch of people, I have never felt so welcomed by a group of people in my life.
You will almost always feel a little bit behind with your course work.
And thats fine! Trust me. During first year everyone feels a little bit out of their depth. I do a Creative Writing and English course and I remember during my first week, majority of the tutors told us to forget everything we’d ever learnt about English and writing, which is scary. It does take a while but you will find your feet and no matter how much work you do, you will always ALWAYS find yourself feeling a little bit behind. But I promise, if you do all the reading, go to all the lectures and work hard on your assignments you’re going to be okay!
At some point your sleeping pattern will get screwed up.
There’s just no getting away from it. Whether its from too many late nights out or too many all-nighters, there will come a time where you’re suddenly sleeping the day away and are bright eyed when the moon comes up. Don’t worry. As soon as you go home and start living by every one else’s routines, yours will hopefully go back to normal.
It may be hard to keep in touch with your old friends but it’s so worth it.
With everyone moving to different parts of the country it can be very hard to stay in touch. But you should at least try too. I’ve had the same group of friends through most of secondary school and sixth form so we’ve been together for a fair few years and had the best times together. So if you don’t find the time to keep in touch while you’re at uni, at the very least try to catch up with them when you’re home. These people have been in your life for a long time and for a very good reason, try not to lose that.
Putting yourself out there is super hard but also super rewarding.
I am not a confident person. I’m well aware of this, and after knowing me for a while, my friends become aware of this too. However, just sitting in your room on your own is going to get you no where, trust me. So offer to have a study session at yours, or a trip to the library, hell organise a visit to the pub so you can all moan about that one tutor everyone hates. Sometimes you have to be the one to make the first move, which is super scary but can be so so rewarding, you’ll find that you get along with these people and before you know it, you’ll have found your new best friends.
Asking for help is always going to be hard.
There’s no getting around this one. Asking anyone for help is hard whether its your tutors, your friends or you parents. But you shouldn’t suffer in silence. If you don’t understand the assignment, go and see your tutor and they’ll happily explain it and help you through it. I promise they aren’t as scary as they seem and they genuinely want to see you do well, so they are always happy to help. Asking your friends for help is hard but oftentimes can bring you closer and you’ll find out who your real friends are. If you need to ask your parents for some extra cash for your food shop, just ask. I can guarantee your parents do not want you to starve but they can’t help if they don’t know you need it.
You will, at some point, miss home.
I’ve never been one to get homesick and for a good few months after I started uni, I didn’t feel homesick at all. But the closer it got to the end of the first term, I realised just how much I couldn’t wait to get home and see everyone. This is completely normal. I still feel like this now, I invite my family to come up and stay with me as much as I can and speak to them on the phone at least a few times a week. There’s nothing wrong with feeling homesick and its completely normal, but you’ll adjust and soon you’ll be having so much fun you won’t have the time to be homesick but you’ll always find the time to call home.
Sourcedbox – August 2016.
SourcedBox is a monthly box delivered to your door full of healthy snacks. The snacks included in the box are free from refined sugars and additives and range from nuts to granola to chocolate. Each box, in my opinion, come with more than enough snacks to get you through the month.
I’ve had a few of these boxes before, but this might be, by far, my favourite! Recently I’ve had to adapt to a gluten-free diet and I was so happy to find that I was allowed to try everything in the box!
Vanilla & Chia Bar – Planet Organic 99p
I didn’t think I’d be a fan of this but I really rather enjoyed it. At first I was a bit underwhelmed with how subtle the vanilla was but then it suddenly hits you. It isn’t overpowering in the slightest but it is just enough. I tend to stray away from vanilla flavoured things just because they tend to just be a little bit boring. But I would definitely buy this again and would try all of the other flavours too!
Peanut Protein Bar – Creative Nature £19.80 (20 pack)
This smells like play-dough. I’m sorry but it’s true! This is very very dense but not in a horrible way. Once I got over the smell it was actually. However, if you don’t particularly like peanuts then this definitely isn’t the one for you. By the time I’d finished the bar I felt like I’d spent the last 3 days eating nothing but peanuts, but apart from that it was totally good.
Lemon & Pistachio Protein Balls – The Protein Ball Co. £12.14 (10 pack)
I wasn’t really sure how I felt about these. They smelt quite lemony and I’m not a huge fan of things involving lemon. Saying that, they weren’t terrible, as in I would definitely eat them again. My mum, for one, really enjoyed them so I think I’ll be passing the rest onto her. They’re softer than I imagined them to be with a very slight crunch from the pistachios. I imagine they’d be quite good with a cup of herbal tea. I’d like to see if they have any other flavours that I might prefer and try those.
Vanoffe Mullberries – The Raw Chocolate Company £1.49
I am a HUGE fan of these. I wasn’t entirely sure what I was getting myself into but I was pleasantly surprise! Despite not looking the loveliest snack in the world, they tasted awesome. They’ve got a surprising crunch to them and I found them so addicting. I could have quite easily sat and ate the whole pack at once! I will definitely be adding these to my snack list!
Cacao & Lucuma Munchiew – Raw Gorilla £1.49
I tried to like these, I really did! But I just couldn’t they sort of reminded of the naked bars which I absolutely love. Just with less flavour. And more crunch. Sorry but I definitely wont be repurchasing these.
Juicy Dried Cranberries – Clearly Scrumptious 99p
Now I quite like dried cranberries so I knew that this would probably be a win and I was right. They are a definite win. However, I definitely prefer the Ocean Spray one’s but I think that’s just be me being picky because I like the fact that they are infused with other fruit juices. But considering these are much cheaper and in a bag-friendly snack pack size, I’ll definitely be grabbing some of these during my next shop.
Lemon & Rosemary Olives – Oloves 89p
Can I just say I love the packaging for these! How adorable!! But can I also just say that I greatly detest Olives. I promise I had every intention of trying them but I just couldn’t get pass the smell. But just based on the packaging I would definitely give them a solid 10!
Kale Crisps – Inspiral £2.19
Okay I’m just going to be honest here, I didn’t like these. Not at all. I couldn’t get over the fact that I was essentially eating leaves. And the coating on them just felt too powdery for my liking if I’m honest. It’s entirely possible that I may like a different flavour but unfortunately this one just didn’t cut it for me and I really didn’t like the fact that the powder and smell lingered on my fingers.
Chia Oil Capsules – Chia Bia £14.99
I haven’t tried these yet but only because I’m currently taking other supplements at the moment but I’ll be keeping them in my stash and I will definitely be giving them a bash at some point!
Yerba Zing & Mint Tea – YuYo £4.35 (14 teabags)
Now because I’ve not been allowed to drink normal tea for the last few months I have been drinking all the herbal tea I can get my hands on, just to try to fool my brain into thinking that I’m drinking regular tea. I love love love peppermint tea, typically because it reminds me of Christmas which just happens to be my absolute favourite time of year. I absolutely can’t wait to try the grapefruit and rosehip ones
Bamboo Water – Sibberi £13.50 (6 bottles)
I’m not sure. I just don’t know. I didn’t like the smell. Even though I didn’t know water could have a smell. It wasn’t terrible. But if this stuff came out my taps I think I’d be a little unhappy. I feel like it’s the sort of thing that might eventually grow on you and I’m sure that if I just left it on my desk with no other options, I’d probably just drink it without realising. However, I had a coffee on my desk and for me the coffee won. I will definitely try and finish the bottle considering it’s so small, and maybe by the time I get to the bottom of it I’ll have changed but for right now? I’m just not sure.
Did you happen to try this months Sourcedbox? What did you think? I certainly can’t wait until next month, good luck trying to top this one Sourcedbox!
Glass – A Spoken Word Poem.
And for a while my only friend was the glass in my hand,
The liquor slipping down my throat, the only warm touch I needed.
The ice the only thing I dare let linger on my lips
For fear of being burned.
The voice in my head chanting ‘its okay’
Until the words just blur into one.
‘s’k, s’k, s’k’.
The strength of lifting my hand to my mouth
Rewarded by the rush than ran through me,
The shiver that shook my body,
When it was too strong,
When there was far too much alcohol, in comparison to pop.
Just like there’s far too many emotions for me to deal with in this small body of mine.
A sip for sadness, a sip for regret, a sip for loneliness,
A gulp for rage, a gulp for courage,
A glass for clarity.
This friend in my hand, was more delicate than I,
Drop me, I will hurt but I will not break.
Break my friend and they’ll shatter into a million tiny pieces,
My secrets whispered into the rim along with them.
My confessions spoken into the glass,
Released for a moment,
Weight off my shoulders,
Only to weigh twice as much when I drink them back down,
For having the time to clarify them.
The Podcasts I've Been Loving.
I never thought that I would be a podcast person. I never really saw the point in listening to them unless you were going to just sit there and not do anything for an hour but listen. I’m one of those people who, when doing something like working or cleaning, tend to end up not really taking in whatever I’m listening to whether thats music or a TV show. So I never really thought podcasts would be the one because I assumed I would just end up tuning them out and that, in my mind, defeated the point!
However one of my good friends really found she enjoyed them and found it odd that I hadn’t got into the earlier. That coupled with the fact that so many of my favourite people now have podcasts I gave in a decided to try it! I use an app called Podcast Addict as I have an android, and of all the podcast apps I’ve tried I really like this one. Its simple and easy to use, lets you subscribe to podcasts and will inform you when they release a new episode, as well as letting you download episodes to listen to when you’re offline.
Black List Table Reads
I was so intrigued by this. Basically its a movie for your ears. They have people read out movie scripts that have been rejected from production. It is amazing. Now, they are quite long, obviously the average length of a movie, so I found when I was listening to them in bed that it would take a few nights for me to finish one production. But it was worth it. They are so well done and you could really imagine them as movies. My favourite ‘movie’ is probably ‘The Hitch’ which all about Alfred Hitchcock being accused of murder on his visit to LA in 1927 and his strive to prove his own innocence. Here’s a link to where you can listen to it!
Picking Favourites
Now I just wanna make everyone aware that I am a huge Zachary Levi fan! Like HUGE! So when I found out he was a part of a podcast, which would mean that I could listen to his voice uninterrupted for hours at a time, I was sold. This is a podcast where good ol’ Zac and some of his friends sit around and talk about all their favourite things. From comics and films, to cars and smells. Its hysterical and they have some really good guests, it’s definitely what I class as easy listening, you don’t have to pay too much attention to it, I can easily have it on in the background while I’m working and find myself laughing majority of the time. My two favourite episodes are with guests Rob Liefeld and the amazing Yvonne Strahovski.
Nerdist
Okay so I had no idea what I was getting myself into with this one. But my friend said that I should definitely check it out and I’m glad I did. It may be my favourite ‘sit-down-and-have-a-chat-about-whatever’ podcast. I was amazed by how many people they’ve interviewed. I’ve listened to so many of these over the last few weeks, my favourites include Zachary Levi (obvs), Aisha Tyler, Hannah Hart and Felicia Day.
There are loads of others on my list to listen to including; Ladies Who Lunch, Truth and Iliza and LadyGang. I’ll update you if they become new favourites. If there are any podcasts you love and think that I should give a go, leave a comment and let me know!
Tremors – A Spoken Word Poem.
Raise your arm above your head,
Apply pressure to the wound,
Slow your breathing,
Calm down,
Feel time stop.
There was so much blood.
Bright crimson,
I’ve decided that particular shade
Does not look good on my skin.
I have scrubbed and scrubbed
But I still see it.
Blood on my hands
When I close my eyes,
I have never felt so helpless.
I have steady hands.
Got them from my father
Who taught me to always stand strong
Stand tall.
Steady hands hold us up
Make sure we don’t fall.
He had workers hands,
Years of holding people up
Years of hard work
Ingrained into his palms.
I never heard him complain.
He would walk around
Palms facing up,
Battle scars on show
This is where I’ve been
And he gave them to me.
Taught me to lock your wrists
When the going gets tough,
You need strong hands he’d say
In case someone
Needs something to hold onto.
My hands never shook as bad as that night.
I’m sorry I couldn’t hold you up any longer.
Tremors though my body
I was not used to this.
I’ve heard people call it shock,
But can you really be shocked
By something you were waiting for.
Raise your arm above your head.
I hold it there.
I’m not sure anymore
If it’s me or you shaking so much.
I tell myself it’s you
Adrenaline coursing through your veins,
I have never seen you so pale.
Apply pressure to the wound
To stem the bleeding,
To try and stop the hurting.
Apply pressure
Apply pressure
Apply pressure
Here
Here
And here
To stem the bleeding,
Please stop the hurting,
Slow your breathing.
Apply pressure
Raise your arm
I exaggerate my breaths,
Make you copy me
Put your hand to my chest
This is what you need to do.
Feel this.
Be this.
Calm down.
Slow your breathing
Apply pressure
Raise your arm.
Its going to be okay,
We’re going to get through this.
I still love you.
I will always love you.
Feel time stop.
Calm down
Slow your breathing
Apply pressure to the wound
Raise your arm above your head.
I don’t clock you at first
Still reeling from our fight.
I notice the pool of red on the floor.
I stop breathing when I see you.
I feel time stop.
I do not have steady hands anymore.
Featured Image – padhokhelo
July Favourites
Nars Velvet Matte Lip Pencil – Tortola
I absolutely love this!! It came in June’s Cohorted Beauty Box and was by far my favourite item in the box. At first I wasn’t sure it would be the one for me. When I swatched it, it was a scary brown, not a colour I would typically reach for. However, it looks amazing on the lips, its definitely a nude-brown but isn’t as scary as I originally thought. It goes on the lip incredibly smoothly and is super pigmented, one swipe and you’ve got a beautiful colour. Even though it’s matte, it doesn’t dry my lips out to which I thank the heavens above. It also stands the test of time, I can quite happily wear this all day, including when I’m eating and drinking, and it would require very few touch ups. This is definitely the lip product I have been reaching for all month and can see myself to continue to throughout August.
A Court of Thorns and Roses – Sarah J. Maas
I’m not going to lie to you, I’ve been stuck in a bit of a reading slump the last few months that I have tried incredibly hard to get out of and I think this book may have helped me do just that! I’ve heard many many good things about Maas, and actually own a few of her books but had yet to delve into them. Now I’m only about 100 pages in, but I absolutely love it! Its filled with magic and fantasy plus the cover is gorgeous, I can hardly put it down!
The Flash
Yes I’m late to the party I know! I’m sorry! I did actually start watching this series when it first came out but for some reason I just sort of stopped and then it got to the point where I was too far behind to catch up. But where I’ve not been well I’ve had the perfect excuse to finally watch it. I’ve slowly been chipping away at it, watching a few episodes here and there and I’ve just started Season 2. Grant Gustin is absolutely adorable and I’m a massive Barry-Iris shipper. If you want something filled with superhero’s, humour and a bit of romance, this is definitely the one.
M&S Iced Buns
Okay so I may or may not have gone into M&S specifically to get these. They are one of my favourite indulgences. I love the fact they have raspberry jam in the middle, they are incredible! If you can get your hands on them, I definitely suggest giving them a try.
Gavin DeGraw – She Sets The City On Fire
I love love love LOVE Gavin DeGraw, he may just be one of my favourite artists ever. I’ve seen him live and he is absolutely incredible and when I heard that he was releasing a new single, I was ecstatic. This song is the perfect summer song, its upbeat and catchy. I’ve been playing it non-stop since it released and even my brother sings along now!
July's Cohorted Beauty Box.
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Nars – Monoi Body Glow 2 £25.00
Now, I haven’t actually used this yet because although it claims it can be used for a multitude of different things; hair, face or in the bath, I’m not really sure where to start! I don’t really enjoy bath oils or using oils on my face, however, this seems super light and absorbed super quickly when I rubbed a tiny bit into the back on my hand. It also has a really nice scent unlike some other oils I’ve sampled. I have heard that this is great as a primer and makes make up go on 10 times better, so I think I might give that a try and see how it goes, I tend to have very dry skin so it will be interesting to see if this helps. Stay tuned!
HD Brows – Sculpt and Glow Palette £45.00
This palette scares me a little bit! I’ve never been into the whole contour situation and the shade of this cream worries me, what if it just makes me look like I’ve used melted chocolate? However the highlighter is super pretty so I’m very tempted to see how this all plays out and I will definitely let you know!
Bobbi Brown – Soothing Cleansing Oil £31.00
I used this a few nights ago, it’s super easy to use and left my skin feeling super soft. However, I did seem to have a few nasty breakouts after, and I’m not sure wether they were coincidental or not. But even though I’m one of those people who like to have the simplest skincare routine that requires minimal effort, I’ll definitely be slipping this in there!
The Vintage Cosmetics Company – Blending Sponge £5.95
I had such high hopes for this! Such high hopes! I loved the colour and I liked that it felt less spongey than your typical blending sponge however I hated using this! Even when I’d dampened it, it still felt quite heavy and too bulky to do what I wanted it too. It was almost too big to get the precision I wanted. As a cheaper alternative to the ever-famous Beauty Blender, I suppose I could get used to it, but I don’t think I’ll be reaching for this over my Beauty Blender.
Bellapierre – Mineral Lipstick ‘Envy’ £20.00
This is a super cute colour. On the box and in the tube it looked a little bit scary, but its super nice once applied. It’s quite pigmented so I only needed a couple of coats for this to look awesome, while it isn’t a colour I’d normally reach for because it’s got a slight brown tone that I’m not used to wearing, this is definitely I’ll be trying out a bit more during the transition to winter. I can’t vouch for how long it lasts because I literally wore it for a few hours around the house! It seems like it’d last for a fair while if you were out but I’m not sure its a strong competitor against food or drink, so I’d recommend using a lip liner underneath it! Also can we just talk about how nice the packaging is? There’s also a super satisfying ‘click’ when you put the lid on.
Bellapierre – Waterproof Gel Lipliner ‘Cinnamon’ £20.00
I really didn’t like this! Sorry not sorry. It felt super sticky on my lips, and while it recommended it could be used to colour the whole of your lips, I couldn’t imagine anything worse! I honestly applied it and took it off immediately after, which was a nightmare in itself, this stuff clings to your lips, which I suppose is the only positive thing about it. Even after I’d taken it off my lips felt tacky and like they were sticking together. I’d maybe consider giving this another go but considering it isn’t in a shade I’m overly fond of, I think this will probably just gather dust in my draw for a while!
The things in this months box that I liked, I loved but the other things I felt were a bit of a let down. However, I will continue to use them to see if my thoughts change on them, I’m especially excited to try the Nars Body Glow and to give the lip liner another go.
The box itself is £35 and this months contents added up to £114.45. If you fancy subscribing yourself head over to the website – www.cohorted.co.uk
Can We? – A Spoken Word Poem.
Can we just skip to the good part?
The part where you trace my body like a map with your tongue.
Can we skip to early morning cuddles
Under the covers
Filled with last night’s secrets?
Can we skip to not being able to live without you?
To feeling the weight of your hands on my skin
Even when you’re not there.
To the ‘I don’t think you’ve ever looked happier’.
To the ‘its because he makes me happy’.
Can we move to the part
Where you hold me tight
So you know I’m still breathing.
Where you hold me tight
So I know I’m still alive.
The part where waking up in the morning
Isn’t an effort anymore,
Isn’t a chore anymore.
Or to the part where I walk around
In nothing but your shirt,
Just to see the look in your eyes.
Can we skip to the part
Where being with you is easy?
To where I feel whole again?
Where life feels complete again?
Can we?
Featured Image – padhokhelo
So You've Been Diagnosed With A Chronic Disease…
I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis just over 6 weeks ago. In fact, I was diagnosed just 2 days before my trip to New York. I had to have a blood transfusion in early March because my haemoglobin was dangerously low, despite the fact that I felt fine. Something I’ve come to realise about my body this year is that it doesn’t like to tell me when something’s wrong. When I got to the hospital for my transfusion, they were surprised that I hadn’t already collapsed but in the end it was put down to my having an iron deficiency. So transfusion done and iron supplements in hand, off I went to carry on as normal. Now, I’ve suffered with stomach pain for years and I’ve seen all sorts of specialists including a gynecologist and a gastroenterologist and had all sorts of scans done as well as an colonoscopy and two laporoscopy’s and we’ve never found a problem. But seeing as I was home from University recovering from my transfusion, I decided to go to my doctors with another problem I’d discovered. I was going to the toilet a lot more frequently than usual and more often than not, there was blood. Now, in hindsight, needing the transfusion made sense because I was losing blood, but I didn’t want to speak up, mainly because I was scared of the answer. Anyway, my doctor sent me back to see a different gastroenterologist, who was lovely, and he decided I needed to have another colonoscopy. While I wasn’t happy about it, I knew it needed to be done and the earliest available slot he could fit me into was 2 days before my trip to New York, and thinking everything would come up normal like it usually did, I told him I’d be there.
So the day rolled around and I was a bit nervous but ultimately fine, things like this have never really freaked me out. Honestly, the worst bit of the whole day was when they couldn’t find a vain to put a cannula in to give me the sedation, so after being poked and prodded for a while, they had to call in an anesthetist who managed to get it done on the first try, but I knew I’d be covered in bruises! Anywho, I woke up when the sedation wore off thinking I’d be off on my jolly way without a care in the world but I was wrong. The nurse came over, sat on my bed and handed me some paper work. She told me, they hadn’t been able to fully complete the colonoscopy because of the amount of discomfort I had been in and then handed me a prescription form. From what my doctor had been able to see, I had severe ulcerative colitis. And that was it, she told me to get the prescription filled, to make a follow up appointment and then I could be on my way. And that’s exactly what I did. I didn’t really stop to think about it, just sort of immediately accepted it and carried on. Whether that was because of the shock or the fact that that was the sort of person I was, I don’t know. What I did know was that I knew what was wrong, I had a method of treating it and I had a worried sick mum in the next room waiting for me to come and tell her everything was okay.
Fast forward two days and I’m on my way to the airport, these new steroids tucked securely in my bag, having no idea how my body was going to react to them, and a mum who is extremely anxious about letting me go to New York for 10 days with a bunch of my friends. I assured her again and again that I was going to be fine, and that my friends knew what had happened and would look out for me but I was determined not to let this opportunity go to waste. I can be very stubborn sometimes. Luckily the steroids didn’t seem to really affect me until after I came home. The only thing that really happened was that I would need the toilet very shortly after I took them at breakfast, I quickly found out if I didn’t take them with food I’d feel pretty sick for a few hours, and I’d have to pop to the loo a few times throughout the day. Now, ‘a few times’ was a godsend to me, considering I had been going at least 6 or 7 times throughout the day beforehand, so I would happily take only having to make the trip a few times and very quickly resigned myself to the fact that I would be spending more time than I wanted to in the public toilets, something I had tried to avoid at all costs before.
Now move to 4 weeks down the line and the steroids have really started to take affect. I was eating a lot more, starting to put on some of the weight I had lost, I’d become more irritable and my skin was awful. And in terms of everything downstairs? I’d been going to the toilet more frequently, not as much as before, but enough to feel like it was a bit of a step back and a few times I’d noticed blood, plus I was struggling to sleep through the night because the urge to go would wake me up every few hours. Luckily I had my follow up appointment that week. He was happy with the progress I’d made but we knew that steroids were not a permanent answer so he decided to put me on these long-release granules as well. My skin hasn’t got better and I seem to be hungry all the time, but I can quite confidently say I will go to the toilet once when I wake up, sometimes once during the day and once late evening and I’m sleeping through the night.
Slowly I’m starting to feel like my old self again, I’m not as exhausted, I don’t worry about going out and not being able to find a toilet in time or going out and subconsciously clocking where all the bathrooms were. Before I couldn’t be out for longer than a few hours without having the overwhelming urge to go home and use the toilet and now I can happily spend the whole day out knowing I’ll be fine. Why am I telling you this?
Because I know there are people out there who might be going through the same things as I was. And no, I’m not going to act as if I know everything about everything because christ, I’ve not even been living with it for longer than 2 months but I do know this. It can feel sucky. Really really sucky. And that’s okay. There are going to be days where your body decides it doesn’t want to play ball and you’ll struggle just to get out of bed. When you get diagnosed with a chronic disease, it’s just another way of them telling you that you have something that’s incurable. As in, sorry but you’re going to have to live with this for the rest of your life. But you know what? That’s okay too. Yes your life isn’t amazing right now, it isn’t as great as before but that doesn’t mean it won’t be someday. You’re just going to have to work to get there. Eventually, it’s going to get to the point where this, you’re life right now, is just a ‘new’ normal. That doesn’t mean it’s any worse than the normal you had before, it just means it’s different and as long as you’re healthy, different is okay. Right now, I see it that I’m in the transitional stage between how my life used to be and how my life is going to be. I’m in the middle of tests and finding the right medication for me but eventually everything will settle down and there will come a point where this will feel like how my life has always been and it’ll feel normal.
I wasn’t going to post this here, or anywhere for that matter, but I recently watched a video of Hank Green talking about his views on having Ulcerative Colitis and how he’s found his ‘new’ normal and it made me think that in the midst of this thing that can throw us completely off course, it’s nice to know there are people out there who understand that, while it isn’t something you can see as being wrong, some days are harder than others and sometimes it’s hard to even comprehend that this is what our lives are now. But it is and knowing you’re not having to feel like that alone, truly is a wonderful thing.
Featured Image – brinkofbedlam
